phoenix

As the sun rises

so shall I

up again like the light

breaking on my skin

reaching for it

as the leaves in spring

taking it all in

ashes at my feet

remind me of this

paths I have taken

truth

and in this state

I am free

to gain my wings again

clouds hover

taking the light

hiding the everreaching

arms and eyes

fire in my heart

carries my upward

into the dream again

little boy

Oh little boy

hidden inside

dont cry

the darkness is gone

you aren't alone

not anymore

let me show you

how good

you really are

Open the door

into the light

take a deep breath

and smile

look at the sky

and know its all

right under your hands

to receive

Look in my eyes

and know you are home

there in the night

you're never alone

no more goodbyes

you're better than that

dont run and hide

any longer

Just take my hand

I'll show you the path

and together

we shall never

reside

in that darkness

that pain

the fury

and shame

oh little boy

just dont blame

yourself

step by step

day by day

you can win this war

inside your heart

dont be afraid

never give in

just know its all over

and then

you can walk in the rain

the sun and the stars

reflecting their color

and life

its all in your hands

the power of freedom

and knowing

believing

and truth

grab on to it now

dont ever let go

ride it wherever

it takes you

feel it on your skin

and within

be brave little one

surrender

give my regards to you

no goodbye, no thank you

no kindness, or a kiss

no more smile, no more laughter

nothing in regards to this

you dont even get my heart

or my mind in any way

dont trust in me or believe

the things I do or say

its all just a game

always the same

never remembering

the times that I came

to your rescue

again and again

you are just whatever you are

and I am me

so maybe this banging in my head

is as loud as I can be

dont give an inch or she'll take a mile

dont say I love you or give me a smile

just let me walk on

down my road one more time

and give my regards to your

self imposed shrine

I dont ask for much

or get in the way

but sometimes I do

have something to say

so far be it here this time

that I have left

to make you feel anything

but sad and bereft

just leave it alone

and dont come back home

to this place here with me

where you are truly known

only just always

I dont understand anything anymore

nothing makes any sense..

am I just stupid when it comes to life

naive, gullable and unaware?

I feel so lost sometimes, like a child

wandering alone in a giant place

where nothing fits me and I am so scared

some things I see make it all clear to me

and safe and warm at peace

then shadows run across the walls

and how is it that I imagine a world

so beautiful and alive touching the energy

inside of me like little storms

but then it turns out to be so unreal

how do they do it, all of the hurting

and scheming, machinations, deliberations

things I would never see

On the edge of a cliff I seem to be

always hanging on for dear life

looking up into a face so familiar

wanting to be rescued but having

to climb up on my own

cold shivering tired

and now again looking for that

star, that rain, the thing that

washes away my pain and clears

up the sadness in my head

only you..only just always

like dancing demons circling

burning me again and again

I dont want to hide anymore

or run for cover and dark

I want to feel the sun

raise myself aloft

take that leap

into your arms

over and over till the end

of time, never regretting

never pretending

always believing, dreaming

running full speed

taking it all in

brave, and certain someday

that is where I long to be

with you..only just always

its what you say

and I do listen, learn

try to keep the balance

try not to sink into the madness

open I am and if that is wrong

I am not sorry, because there

is no other way, not for me

Let them strike me, words

or deeds I am not broken

not completely, just healing

and working on this puzzle

called life. Come with me

because your hand feels so

good in mine..only just always

question.

How many times

will you look in my eyes

and lie to me

How many days will I

turn you away

until you see

that we

can be

ok

When will it end

this troublesome friend

that comes back again

to stay

Why do I try

to find a new why

for the reasons

I cant defend

If you do stay

will it all be ok

or someday

the end

is that the path

that we shouldnt take

or is it a chance to

find a new day

How will I know

when its time to let go

to say goodbye

Is there a time

that we wont even

try or will we just

start again....

green eyes

There you are

can you see

with those beautiful eyes

how lovely you are

like the trees leaves

the grass under my feet

the river stream winding

into me

your eyes take in

all the air

and sound

close closer

touch the space

between yours

and mine

they have made

such a pair

I love the way

you share

your eyes with me

soft or hard

looking or blindness

occurring gently

closed

angels sleeping

under your skin

pull me in

and never let go

corners

In the corner of my eye

there is a shadow..

of something I dont

want to see

your face

looking at me

Why cant you just

go away

run far and fast

leave me

and the past

in the dust

never trust

your face again

looking over shoulders

isnt my plan

but walking and talking

is harder

when

you cant be sure

that surprises dont lurk

around every corner

I am not afraid

but beautiful and strong

so I dont worry

if you linger too long

looking at me again

what do you see

but here I am

and its my place

so this is where I

will be.

Fuck off

Fuck off all of you

who think you know

who think you see

the truth in me

tell your story to someone else

I have mine to live with

dont expect me to not dissapoint you

because I will if you want anything

How dare you tell me

how to be

I am me

Let yourself be free

and I will do

the thing that feels right

whenever, however I do

its not up to you...

there are no rules..

and strong and true

is how it is here

in my heart.

So Fuck off..

all of you and

leave me here

alone.

What

is it true

do you know how you feel

are you letting go yet

looking another way?

I look down

into the air

no net, no soft landing

Why

do you think

that it will sit

and not fall down

far from the sky

breaking apart

inside

How

is it possible

that we couldnt see

the waiting around

the crack in the wall

When did we get there

to the end of the line

time stops and I cry

more this time, I think

but not so hard

Where did it go?

that beautiful thing

that song, that dream

cloud in the sky floating by

full of rain now

dripping on us

drowned in tears

fears and prayers

What is it

that sound that pulls me

that deep and resonating beat

like a drum, heart, pounding out

a message from one to another

does it travel far enough

or are we now lost.

in my world

Here I am

alone in the dark

waiting for you

taking a chance

looking for a mark

that says its true

you are the one

that I remember

making my fun

so much more

alive

where is that space

that place inside

that hurries to see

when i have cried

tears and joy

cover me now

make me believe

and show me how

just one more step

before I fall

waiting for you

to make the call

breathing your name

maybe in vain

taking the pleasure

and the pain

onto the next step

forward I go

where will this end

I'll never know

bringing me here

out to the edge

dropping my heart

off of the ledge

let it fall down

past all the stars

where timeless I wait

the world is all ours.

"Dark Blue"

I'm tired

from exploring you

I'm sorry

you've had some scary days

I'm lucky,

they had me on a leash

Exposing,

sometimes you frighten me

And it's too bad

you're so sad

I wish you could have had what I had

I'm loathing most of your history

Hesitation, but then you siphon me

Your potential,

well I'll indulge in that

Violent timing

explains the aftermath

And it's too bad

you're so sad

I wish you could have had what I had

And it's so sad

it's too bad

Maybe I can make you feel better

Oh maybe I'm supposed to

make you feel better

I want to comfort you

Unlike you

I had it easy

You're dark blue

Stained from previous days

And you're so sad

It's too bad

I wish you could have had what I had

Maybe I can make you feel better

I'm sorry

NODOUBT..returnofsaturn.

The eyes have it..

In your eyes

there is a place

that keeps me safe from harm

in your arms

I feel the space

the universe is all ours

In the breath

that we share

life begins anew

In the depth

of your heart

is where Im finding you

When I look

into your eyes

I see such grace

and fear

Wonder aloud

inside my head

watch you shed

your tear

The eyes have it

you have won

my heart

forevermore

And I will strive

to be for you

my loves not

keeping score

there it is

the truth at last

You are my life

and hope

There is no

measure

for this love

is endless

in its scope.

Just thoughts

Once upon a time.. there was a girl, and she met a boy and he made her smile..

this smile didnt always last but it was always there underneath her eyes

they ran away together and raised a family lived happily ever after

at least thats how it was supposed to be.. but sometimes fairytales

are that , and this is life, its true.

And where you are and who you love is something that you do

Walking by a window I saw that girl again.. but she was different

somehow changed, I know not how or when.. .

She is bigger than before her eyes are still the same

and if you ask her who she is, she'll tell you

shes not to blame

Mirrors lie, they hide the soul

and show off all your flaws

but deep inside theres still that hope

thats untouched by natures laws

When that boy grew up to see

that he was not alone

he took her back into his arms

and gave them both a home.

So if you run or if you walk

down paths that lose their way

and see reflections that scare your

heart, know life has more to say.

Keep that smile, in your eyes

take the breath so deep

and hold her close to you

my friend

in dreams shes yours to keep.

LOOK

look deeply

in order to see

and understand the needs,

aspirations,

and suffering

of the one you love.

We all need love

Love brings us joy

and well-being.

Its as natural

as the air..Tthich Nhat Hanh

treasured heart

When my heart is weary

and my soul is tired

I can only imagine

how your love inspired

in me

the truth

to find

the way

I know

you'll see

it all

someday

When the dark is raging

and the sky is black

I will hold your picture

until you come back

I know

its real

this thing

I feel

I believe in you

just wish you would too

your heart is mine

until the end of time

treasured heart

come home to me

break away and

set it free

just believe

just believe

Sometimes

I think

you would walk

away

if I was still

and just didnt

say

My heart,

my soul

where did you go?

Treasured heart

come back home

be the one I'm dreaming

of

know you've got

all of my love

treasured heart..

Listen..

Seems like our love is on the road to nowhere fast

All my life I thought a love like this would last

But every road can hide a corner we can't see

I had a vision that I woke up by your side

I felt you breathing and our souls were intertwined

But who can choose loves destiny

Not me

We had it all

right in our hands

We had the room to fly

and still the place to land

And so I'm calling out,

I'm calling out

To the only one

Who can save us from what we've done

Dont keep me hanging on...

I'm reaching out and praying you'd come back again

It's just darkness I'm living in

And you're the only place my heart has ever been

Maybe I'm young and in the ways of love naive

Maybe I'm desperate for a reason to believe

There wasn't anywhere I thought that we would fall

I've seen perfection in a rainbow in the sky

I've seen a child make the coldest grown man cry

But loving you I thought was greater than them all

And we had it all, just you and me

And now there is a doorway to my heart without a key

Wherever you are right now,

come back baby show me how you feel

Because I'm lost without you here

Now take a look at what we've become

You're the only place my heart has ever been

Destiny cannot be shaken

Fate will send us where we need to be

Many turns our love has taken

But in the end you're standing here with me

Now it's a long road to forever

But together I know we'll find a way

We're standin' hand in hand

Nothing will break our love

I'll cherish you each day 'til I die

For all eternity

you and I

My heart's filled with such emotion

You're the reason for the air I breathe

I pledge to you all my devotion

Until death do part you away from me

I've never been so close to heaven

As the moment when I looked into your eyes

closer

What does it mean

to be closer

is it a scene

in my head

or a rational

dream

how does this work

this life i lead

trying to

tell the truth

will you lie to me

again someday

when it suits

you to

or will i betray

you someday

because we lose

this thing

I want to be

closer to you

deeper inside

more real

alive

But will it work

this time

or am I

just dreaming

again..

roses

Roses are red

violets are blue

lilys are white

what are you?

Can you see it

love in its state

of equinamity

or hate in its

place

trying to seperate

the two like blood and skin

so close when you cut deep

how can you look

into your mirror

and see such sad things

how can you wake up

and feel nothing

so alive is everything

soft and warm

cold and hard

its all here for you

I like to think on it

and trust the idea

that we are space

time and energy

movement and quiet

moving within it all

always

grey skies

or blue eyes

or lashes closed

hearts open

let it be here now

this final awareness

of hope and strength

we are given so much

too many choices

which path to follow

the roses always come

with thorns

the path with rocks

the sky with rain

the sea with storms

and you with your pain

it will follow you until

you choose another way

and are free to find

and see and feel

be

soft like a flower

gentle like the breeze

wet like the earth

whole like the universe

open like the door

to my heart.

Thank you god you know who you are

Thank you for listening

thank you for letting me believe

thank you for small blessings

the snow the air the sky

thank you for everything

I can do this..what you ask

nothing is to much remember

someone may think that i do not

that i dont believe in you

but they are wrong

i can hold on and

my gifts are great..

believe in me too

i know that you do

because i am here

and able to see it all

thank you.

trapped

trapped in a room

full of tears

wish it would all

dissapear

how can i walk

run or sing

when i want to cry

everything

i have no space

no room for tears

voices and ears

hear every word

its crushing and rushing

up over and out

but silent and bitten

wish i could run

away to somewhere

warm and safe

that never appears

its like my floor

white for a minute

then dirty again

no effort no change

why bother trying

ripping and buying

into your sadness i fall

i dont want anything

now cept for you

i want to be held fast

to feel you on my neck

to be warm again

alive

or to crawl into a box

and stay until its done

but that just isnt it

walking around my sadness is

anger laughter and work

trying to reason

with you, myself and more

what about the children

how can i ignore them

run away and hide from

the tears that i must have

not sleeping not dreaming

not smoking or breathing

i ache tremble and sigh

WHY

this is so horrible

so sad and relentless

there is no away from

it here

the distance is yawning

i am impatient

going through the motions

but doing nothing at all

head heart and hands trapped

by the knowing that you

are gone from me.

sorrys

Are you watching me now?

do i have your eyes

is there any way to fix

this disaster of a life

I thought it was so good

beautiful to live

but suddenly its dark here

and empty again

there arent enough sorrys

to wipe away the pains

to wash away the stains

of hurts that still remain

you are my temple, to worship

to sit and linger over

and it has fallen to ruin

did i not care for it

is it just time

why oh god why

am i sorry all the hours

and days and years

because i am not

they were good to me

and i am blessed

my temple may be a mess

but it still stands here

i found the spot

there is a box

full of sorrys

it laid upon the doorway

and when i opened it

i saw then

all my prayers were answered

but when i looked up to the sky

there wasnt any light

because it went away today

did i say two prayers one for me

and one for you

or was it just a lie

protection from the truth

now i stand alone, no temple

left for us

and wonder where its gone

and where you are

and how could i have known

that sorrys just dont

turn into prayers

and wishes dont turn into life

and dreams are never what they seem

Oh, my beautiful one,

dont mistrust me

i failed again, forgive me

i do not want sadness

or pain to cause you

to leave

you are the light

you are the sky

without you stars cannot shine

and all the rubble under my feet

just washes away with my tears

pouring out on the ground

leaving me to drown

in emptyness and sorrow

if it takes forever

i will be the one

to be sorry for what was done

but if thats not enough

just know that there is love

here then and forever

if you ever

come again.